Good afternoon to all of the beautiful readers of this blog!
Happy March! I am looking forward to Springtime and the delightful weather that it brings. One of my favorite things to do in Spring is spending time in public parks and spaces with family and friends. The days are longer, the sun is brighter, the weather is warmer and people are happy. So yes, I am looking forward to it all.
The Spring season reminds us of the beauty that comes after harsh winters. I’m thankful that the winter in my state has been mild this year. However, in the past, we have had blustery cold winters full of snow and ice. Those winters helped me to develop my love for Spring. The same can be said for the difficult times in our lives. They make us appreciate the effortlesly carefree days.
Yesterday, I was listening to some music on Youtube when I was inspired to write this post. Last Spring meant so much to me. It was a season of rebirth. I felt like a new woman. I spent most of the winter of 2017 (end of 2016) processing the end of a 3 1/2 year relationship that I ended. I broke it off because I felt that we were going in two different directions and it was brokeness that attracted us.
And I knew if I stayed with that person/in that situation that I would end up forfeiting the destiny that God had for me. It was difficult for me to walk away from what I thought was the love of my life.. but it ended up being the best thing for me.
Throughout the last year of the relationship, I had been praying about its purpose and its position in the ultimate destiny of my life. I was feeling anxious and stagnant about life at that time. I was ready for change and growth. Each time I’d ask for signs, God would give them to me. However, comfort would tell me to wait a little while longer. I wasnt fully ready to accept the signs and unfortunately, the longer I waited, the longer I held back blessings that were only accessible after I closed the chapter. Then, finally, one Sunday morning, while in church service, my pastor preached a message that deeply convicted my spirit and I could no longer deny God’s voice and my need to make a move ASAP!
After I ended the relationship, I sat with myself and reviewed the last 3.5 year of my life. I re-read journals, reviewed pictures and calendars. I immediately felt two feelings: shame and then relief. I felt shame when I read the journal entries where I wrote about this relationship from the lens of an insecure school girl. I justified lies, lack of support for me and my goals, and an unwillingness to fully commit to me. Right in front of my face in bold lettering was the reality of the broken woman I was in that season. It was a reality check as well as a huge lesson for me.
I had jumped into that relationship right after being divorced. At that time, my self esteem and self image was in ruins. I used that relationship as a crutch for my mental and emotional weakness in that season. I was extremely emotionally vulnerable. My self worth, self esteem, self love and happiness were all dependent on how this person felt about me. Therefore, the behavior that occurred, I allowed, because I wasn’t ready to face myself and my own need for healing – alone. And so yes, I ended up hurting myself even more. I unintentionally added new pain on top of the pain I already experienced from my divorce. After it ended, I never felt anger toward him. Just pity toward me. I had never realized how low I had gotten in the first two years after my divorce – which were also the first two years I spent in this relationship. However, after processing the entire experience in totality. I felt relief. It was all over. I was free now and mature enough to accept the me I was then and forgive her for her mistakes.
Once I forgave myself and all of the mistakes that I made, God allowed me to experience joy, peace and self love again. And most importantly, He gave the wisdom and discernment needed to properly pursue the destiny that he created for me. This is why I can tell the story now and feel no shame about it because God is a healer and He gives us the power to heal ourselves. Our greatest pains give us the insight and experience to assist others. I share this story so other people in the same predicament will not make the mistake of forfeiting their destiny in fruitless relationships chosen out of brokenness. Pursue healing !