Survivor’s Guilt

One of the most difficult parts of being a childhood trauma survivor is the guilt we feel about our own successes especially if there were other people in similar situations who were unable to “make it out” especially when they are family members.

We feel levels of guilt similar to folks with survivor’s guilt from different types of accidents & natural disasters.

Sometimes that guilt is what makes us become professionals in “playing small”. We don’t want to “make anyone feel bad” and we don’t want to recognize the courage that we used to overcome our own nearly insurmountable challenges. We don’t want to “do too much” or even draw attention to our own superpowers.

But in that, we continue to harm and limit ourselves. We still never fully escape our trauma because we feel SO emotionally conflicted about being an overcomer and moving forward.

I cannot speak for anyone else. I can only speak for me.

For me, 2020 is been about walking away from that guilt because it does not serve me and also accepting that I really don’t owe anyone anything. I just don’t. I have had disagreements with family members this year about my lack of responsibility for their happiness and well being.

There are thousands of us who have burned ourselves out psychologically, emotionally and financially because of this guilt and we have to be okay with the blessing of being an overcomer.

I have paid people’s rents, bought groceries, mediated serious arguments that have traumatized me, lent money to family members that refuse to become unstuck from their trauma. God allowed me to experience serious disagreements with family members so that I can leave my “savior” syndrome in the past. My survivor’s guilt cannot run my life anymore.

In 2 years, I will be 40 years old and I have finally accepted that its okay to be happy & enjoy the fruits of my own labors. I deserve to be joyful, free and enjoying my life. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own and my childrens.